I have sat in front of doctors, teachers, paramedics, friends and family, and more often than not felt empty inside.
No light at the end of the tunnel or hand reaching down into the abyss of the hole I was stuck in.
At the end of the day, my anxiety tells me who I am and what I can and cannot do. And that is terrifying.
I have struggled with mental health as long as I can remember. It feels like depression and anxiety have been a comfort to me.
Some people comfort eat, I let the monsters back in. There were times where I welcomed the self-destructive thoughts I had because I thought ‘that’s me’.
I decided not to go back to counselling – something I am now starting to regret
At my first counselling session at university, it felt like the woman sat in front of me wasn’t listening to what I was saying. I was seeking help from a dark place but all the woman wanted to talk about was that bad experience that happened 5 years ago.
Looking back to a year ago today I needed someone to take me by the hand and encourage me through it all.
I decided not to go back to counselling – something I am now starting to regret.
Getting out of my depressive state last year was the hardest thing I had to do, and I’m not entirely sure how I managed it. I continued to have seemingly endless panic attacks but I found things I enjoyed and friends who enjoyed having me around.
I struggle to travel, I refuse to eat out of the house
My depression has calmed down but my anxiety has heightened.
I am unable to get a job. I struggle to travel to see my boyfriend and friend. I refuse to eat out of the house. Anxiety is slowly eating away at the person I was, and I’m not sure I want to be the person I am becoming.
When I visited the doctor last month she guided me straight to student counselling – something that is unavailable during the summer months at my university.
So until September I am facing my demons and pushing myself as hard as I can. No one has ever been prouder of themselves than me eating a burger in a restaurant. I’m going on holiday and I am going to make damn sure I enjoy it. I will not let my anxiety beat me.
There is help out there, and I’m going to get it as soon as I can
There is help out there, and I’m going to get it as soon as I can. Until then, I am relying on encouraging friends, a supportive boyfriend and the tips and help that are on the internet.
Breathing exercises, distractions, gentle exercise and a good diet are some of the most important foundations to me beating my mental health, and I’ve learnt that self-care is the most important thing.